MY LIFES HEARTBREAK.................... yes i know i should put things in parahgraphs, but i was on a roll, and when im on one i get into a trance like state, and my english is not that good either, i guess i should have stayed in school, but i do try... bj is not my only son, he has a older brother and sister, in fact his brother is with him...i could explain why but im tired of explaining it, i always come out the bad guy, and me and my husband are not, we were just people that loved our childern and didnt want them in the gangs downtown, and living in the country was not for my older son... when a child makes an acqusation about you to school authorities believe my friends your lives will change...my son is 15 now, and no i do not get to see him...my older son wanted out and he had some whopper stories to tell, and my sister that is , to say the least is nasty and so is my mother, lets just say i'm not missed in the family unit, the state stepped in and believed my mother and drugged out sister and me and my husband never seen the kids again. my mother never wanted me, she tried to pawn me off on several diffrent people as i was growning up, i was of a previous marriage and she had finally met the man of her dreams, and had three more childern by him, my real father didnt want me either i was more of a burden to both of them, but i was not forutate enough to have the state step in.... my mother thought i detroyed her life, her father molested me and my two sisters, thats why my one sister hates me, because i didnt say anything about it , nobody would believe me, but my school counsler did, and mom took us and ran, beating me all the way, i knew he was molesting my two sisters and i'm sure he molested my mother and my aunt to, in fact he told me he did my aunt... when mom ran i figured we were through with the grandparents, how wrong i was, my mom tried to ship me off at 13 to my other grandmother in cailfornia, she didnt want me either except to use, because her and my father had not spoke in years when he found out it was her who had signed the adoption papers on me to my mothers new husband who was a convict. i found letters my mother had wrote to my grandmother and her father about getting rid of me so she could take the other kids and move to eastern washington with them and just disappear from my life. but i came back to soon because i still loved the family that hated me..when my grandmother found out i was back she didnt want me around her, because i was the reason they had to leave the west side of the state about the abuse charges against my grandfather.. this is making me sick to my stomache, anyways my mother had it in for me from then on, she tried to get rid of me one more time and she sent me to my step fathers, and i missed her and my family so he sent me back, i was 14 here, it was christmas and when i got home she picked me up from the bus, and dropped me off at the house and took the other kids to grandmas and i was not invited to go, so i spent the holidays by myself with a black kitten, all alone, she was gone for 4 days, i ate potatoes that four days.... but i still tried to please my mother, no matter what, i was pregnant at 15 had a daughter at 16 and married at 17 and divorced at 18, my grandmother helped my ex take my daughter away from me, she said that i tried to drowned her at the lake, they found out later she was lieing but the damage was done and my ex took my daughter....my daughter was talking to me but then my mother stepped in along with my grandmother and told her what a no good person i am and i have not seen her since....my daughter got married and my mother stepped in for me next to my ex and said she was giving permission for my daughter to be married.... my daughter gave birth to my first grandchild march 12 2007, and i am not to see her and maybe i might get a second hand picture of her... this is how it also went with my sons, it was pure jelousy on my sister and mothers part...but they manged to do it, i am dying of a broken heart, my husband now i have been with for 20 years is 70 im 38 and his health is not all that good but he is the only postive thing in my life right now along with my horses, but he sees it, the pain and heartbreak , the christmas,birthdays, first cars, first girl friends i will never get the chance to be a part of... i ran from eastern washington because the court system was out for blood on me and my husband, see my husband was a prominent man in the county until i came along and we fell in love, the county took offense to this, and it was a blood bath, we could not even drive our cars down town that we were not pulled over by the police or just followed.... they forced me to move out of our house so the boys could come home and be with there dad, and we could not afford it, two house holds we couldnt , and we had to leave to find work, well that was fine until we left and then the boys were put in foster care permentally. its a long sad story, and we did fight, we lived in wyoming for awhile, and my husband moved back to washington to fight some more with the boys, the state said if he could prove that we were divorced they would give the kids to him...that didnt go over well with him.... we finally lost completely, our last stand was in 2004 and i had gotten ahold of an attorney, i was working at a good jos by this time and we were going to fight, well they told me if i came up with 7000.00 they would go in and come out with the kids, we sold everything we had, and i mean everything, my five horses,are cars, trucks, horse trailers and all furniter, everything at auction and only came up with 3000.00, i had a check book and an old suburban..the attorney wouldnt take it, it was all or nothing, he said the courts in okanogan county walked a fine line of almost being against the law, and he wanted all the money to face that, that was the last ditch effort on our part. except i did keep all papers and work done, my kids if they ever do come home have a good case against the state of washington, but all you have to do is look up at how many cases have been filed against that state to know the cases being won by these kids.... but that said thats why i have this heartbreak, i look old and have dark circles under my eyes all the time, life is not fun anymore. right now i live in a nice 20 year old 35ft motorhome and i just have this ache in my chest all the time, and it wont go away, its a hole...... i have prayed to this so called god till my knees are sore, and he does not hear me, so i just dont believe in him anymore, i have turned to the wiccan ways they seem to be more in tuned with me right now, and i do have one thing to look forward to my horse is going to have a baby any day now, and i have been holding on to that...it seems i can have animals just no human compainionship, i was even accused of beating my husband, an airforce sergent yeah right, hes 6ft and im 5ft2in really i beat hin everyday whether he needs it or not, lol,. so this is why my soul cries, i did get to talk to my son one time at my other sisters house on the phone, and we have a date for his 18th birthday of me meeting him on the washington/idaho border , and i will be there, i will wait all day and night for him, my husband said they proably will be very screwed up, but i dont care they are my babies and i love them and there is nothing in this world that can ever make me think any less of them, i love them with all my soul, that will never change for me never...............im sorry this is so long but the pain is great....bless you all that read this......tawnymara
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