My soul cries for a lost son..............

MY SOUL CRIES FOR A LOST SON.......... I remember the day so well, it was the day I told my husband that we were going to have another baby. we already had one son and to have two was just the greastest news. see my husband is alot older then i and he was not suposed to be able to produce children any more because he was agent oranged in veit nam, i was not to be able to have anymore children do to a car accident and had lost a baby due to scar tissue, but to our amazment we were blessed with two beautiful boys. I told my husband that i may be pregant but to be sure i went to the doctor, and yes i was....i still remember the day he was born i cried when they said he was a boy. he was the most beautiful baby boy i had ever seen and we named him FRANKLIN JOHNATHAN ALDLEE , such a big name for a little boy but he carried it well, I cant explain the love a mother has for a child she has just given birth too. its a feeling of shear awe at the creation of such a wonderful thing . its pure magic to say the least...my son was taken from me on january 9 2001 for reasons that i will really never understand, the state said abuse and i said diffrent. the feeling of that day was shear and utter terror, it was like a bad dream that you can not wake up from. i put my babies on the school bus that morning and had this awful sick feeling in my stomach that i cant explain but as the day worn on i soon came to know this sick feeling as forever feeling it, in fact it made itself right at home. to lose a child whether in death or in custody battles is the worst thin in the world, and at least in death you know where they are and that they can not be hurt anymore by this cold cruel world, but to have them alive and foster parents making the decisions fo them is in itself at times to much to bare. we fought for our children and we lost the battle to a state that has made it a custom to come and rob famlies of there childern. the last time i seen my son was 2001 and he wanted to come home in the worst way. i sit and often wonder what he looks like now and if he has a girlfriend or is he excited about getting his first car, his first heart break and me not being there to help comfort him when he needs me the most. all the christmas's and birthdays i've missed. the look of wonder and laughter his eyes would have at just merely going fishing with his dad. his first school dance with his first real date. and his first driving lesson with his father. my son was always a very curious child to wanting to know about his father and the war and even wearing his dog tags and he was so proud of that. he always tried to please his father but he also had some pretty mager fights with him also. like he walked 7 miles once because his father firgot to wake him to go woodcutting, and he was only 7 at the time, he went in the driveway of a friend of my husbands and asked for a ride home because he could walk no farther, but when the man pulled in the driveway he made the man tell me what had happened because he thought i would be so mad at him, i wasnt mad at him i was mad at his father for not waking the poor child up, but that was our son pure stubborness. he was the outdoors men to, he would build things and try them out like his firewood tv tray he made me when i had broke my ankle and need to be in bed for awhile. i once had cut my leg open once and he was there to lend first aid and taking control of the situation, mamas little man. i used to watch him for hours play with his dump trucks in his very own dirt hill his dad had made for him, one time when his hill was not soft enough he had gotten up and went down the road to get the neighbor with his backhoe to come down and fix it for him with the promise my husband would pay him of course, the next thing i knew i heard this huge backhoe in my yard at 6:00 am digging a new dirt hill for my son. so my husband would not leave him home anymore my son went out and removed his carburter of his truck, and yes my husband got up went out and forgot my son again but found he could not go nowhere because his truck was disabled...so needless to say our son was not forgotten that day...he tried to be a master fisherman never giving up and always keeping the small fish if need be to bring home to mom to be cooked. he tried to be a master horseman but soon found his dads horse a little hard to handle but he did continue to try.he took my bikcycle in the garage and tried pumping the tire with his dads air compresser and blew the tire up, with the loud noise he knew he could not hide it, but i couldnt be mad his eyes were the size of half dollars when he came out of the garage. he ran into arattle snake one time and he ran so fast with his neck in the air i thought he was going to take off the ground like an airplane...his favorite love was the titanic and jack and rose, he wore the movie out and even put the model together that was for adults to do. i always thought maybe he was reincarnated from that ship in some way or another. one christmas he took it upon himself to be the tree getter and when i came home the whole house was full of christmas trees,i will never forget that either, i thought i lived in the forest that month of december....he was a great stroy teller also, coming home one day and told me he got sent to the princles office for telling his teacher something bad and that she also glued his head to the wall, well of course i had to call his teacher to find out if this was true and she said the princle and she were not even at school that day do to some event going on for teachers. he always talked about building roads and how he did it and shooting bears and how he had done that also, as i said he was a good story teller. the things i hope for my son is a good life one that if he is to know pain that it is little, he was a gift and is greatly missed and i love him very much and think of him every hour of every minute of every day. to know him is to love him, and to love him is to set him free...........

When trouable comes to a wytch's life.............

WHEN TROUABLE COMES TO A WITCHS LIFE......... I sit here tonight my dear sweet goddess epona, on the eve of my sons birth, he is to be 15 tomarrow but i will not know what faces him in any of his travels for i am and will always be a witch that trouable has found and came too on the silent whisper of the dark wind, never hearing it but knowing it is there always seeking my lifes blood through my tears of sorrow... all I ask epona and zeus as your daughter is for the life of my son to be great and for him to learn the way of the old ones and never fearing the changes around the corner of this cruel life of judgment and ridicule. zeus make him strong in your shadow, give him the courage of all that have been beside you and worshiped you. epona please give him the love and the knowing of all animal kind and the kindness they deserve..... zeus and epona always forever let him know he is loved in this world somewhere by his mother of your choosing and not by the choosing of the countrymen so proud to take him in the middle of the night from his loving witch mother and father. zues and epona always give him the knowledge of the land of mother earth and father moon, never waning but always coming full circle in his circle of life...... so mote it be....................

My shadow totem.................

I had a dream one night of a cougar that chasd me into the lake, when i was in this lake i thought i was safe and to my surpise i was not, the cougar came in after me, the cougar in my dream was a talented swimmer and strong, when it reached me i tried to fight it off, to no avail it kept pushing me under the water, as i was fighting for my breath and my life i manged to reach up and grab him on both sides of the face as he twisted and turned his head my thumbs had slipped into his jaws and he bit down and bit down hard, i can remember the sound of bone crunching and the cold feeling of not having my thumbs, after this happened the cougar turned and swam back to shore and took off....I woke up.....there were some bad things going on in my life but i never quite got the message of the cougar, about 2 years later i was taken back to this same dream and the loud thought pattern of the cougar, and he said,(THAT IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT) and then i woke, i had lost two very percious things in my life and the dream and the loss of my thumbs were the symbols of what i lost...it was a very powerful moment for me, and i laid there and cried for then i now knew what i had lost i could have saved if only i had listened to the cougar.................A shadow totem is a totem of the animal you are afraid of, one that you are afraid of embracing into your life or running into in the wild, according to native american legend if you do not embrace the shadow totem it will haunt and follow you and cause havoc in your life till you do....

COUGAR Muscles rippling, free on the mountains, Great cat of cunning, hunting and seeking, Teach me quietness and stealth of purpose. Show me the secrets of quiet magic. Leadership This is a very powerful, but very difficult totem. Cougar medicine is the lesson of the use of power, how to be an effective, fair leader and not abuse power. This totem’s gift is how to balance power, intention, strength and grace. It is the balance of body, mind and spirit. The first responsibility of leadership is truth. Remember: Responsibility is no more than the ability to respond to any situation. Cougar can teach you how to bring out your power and fill your heart with it that will enable you to take charge of your life. You can use Cougar power to defend yourself or to attack.

My life's heart break..............

MY LIFES HEARTBREAK.................... yes i know i should put things in parahgraphs, but i was on a roll, and when im on one i get into a trance like state, and my english is not that good either, i guess i should have stayed in school, but i do try... bj is not my only son, he has a older brother and sister, in fact his brother is with him...i could explain why but im tired of explaining it, i always come out the bad guy, and me and my husband are not, we were just people that loved our childern and didnt want them in the gangs downtown, and living in the country was not for my older son... when a child makes an acqusation about you to school authorities believe my friends your lives will change...my son is 15 now, and no i do not get to see him...my older son wanted out and he had some whopper stories to tell, and my sister that is , to say the least is nasty and so is my mother, lets just say i'm not missed in the family unit, the state stepped in and believed my mother and drugged out sister and me and my husband never seen the kids again. my mother never wanted me, she tried to pawn me off on several diffrent people as i was growning up, i was of a previous marriage and she had finally met the man of her dreams, and had three more childern by him, my real father didnt want me either i was more of a burden to both of them, but i was not forutate enough to have the state step in.... my mother thought i detroyed her life, her father molested me and my two sisters, thats why my one sister hates me, because i didnt say anything about it , nobody would believe me, but my school counsler did, and mom took us and ran, beating me all the way, i knew he was molesting my two sisters and i'm sure he molested my mother and my aunt to, in fact he told me he did my aunt... when mom ran i figured we were through with the grandparents, how wrong i was, my mom tried to ship me off at 13 to my other grandmother in cailfornia, she didnt want me either except to use, because her and my father had not spoke in years when he found out it was her who had signed the adoption papers on me to my mothers new husband who was a convict. i found letters my mother had wrote to my grandmother and her father about getting rid of me so she could take the other kids and move to eastern washington with them and just disappear from my life. but i came back to soon because i still loved the family that hated me..when my grandmother found out i was back she didnt want me around her, because i was the reason they had to leave the west side of the state about the abuse charges against my grandfather.. this is making me sick to my stomache, anyways my mother had it in for me from then on, she tried to get rid of me one more time and she sent me to my step fathers, and i missed her and my family so he sent me back, i was 14 here, it was christmas and when i got home she picked me up from the bus, and dropped me off at the house and took the other kids to grandmas and i was not invited to go, so i spent the holidays by myself with a black kitten, all alone, she was gone for 4 days, i ate potatoes that four days.... but i still tried to please my mother, no matter what, i was pregnant at 15 had a daughter at 16 and married at 17 and divorced at 18, my grandmother helped my ex take my daughter away from me, she said that i tried to drowned her at the lake, they found out later she was lieing but the damage was done and my ex took my daughter....my daughter was talking to me but then my mother stepped in along with my grandmother and told her what a no good person i am and i have not seen her since....my daughter got married and my mother stepped in for me next to my ex and said she was giving permission for my daughter to be married.... my daughter gave birth to my first grandchild march 12 2007, and i am not to see her and maybe i might get a second hand picture of her... this is how it also went with my sons, it was pure jelousy on my sister and mothers part...but they manged to do it, i am dying of a broken heart, my husband now i have been with for 20 years is 70 im 38 and his health is not all that good but he is the only postive thing in my life right now along with my horses, but he sees it, the pain and heartbreak , the christmas,birthdays, first cars, first girl friends i will never get the chance to be a part of... i ran from eastern washington because the court system was out for blood on me and my husband, see my husband was a prominent man in the county until i came along and we fell in love, the county took offense to this, and it was a blood bath, we could not even drive our cars down town that we were not pulled over by the police or just followed.... they forced me to move out of our house so the boys could come home and be with there dad, and we could not afford it, two house holds we couldnt , and we had to leave to find work, well that was fine until we left and then the boys were put in foster care permentally. its a long sad story, and we did fight, we lived in wyoming for awhile, and my husband moved back to washington to fight some more with the boys, the state said if he could prove that we were divorced they would give the kids to him...that didnt go over well with him.... we finally lost completely, our last stand was in 2004 and i had gotten ahold of an attorney, i was working at a good jos by this time and we were going to fight, well they told me if i came up with 7000.00 they would go in and come out with the kids, we sold everything we had, and i mean everything, my five horses,are cars, trucks, horse trailers and all furniter, everything at auction and only came up with 3000.00, i had a check book and an old suburban..the attorney wouldnt take it, it was all or nothing, he said the courts in okanogan county walked a fine line of almost being against the law, and he wanted all the money to face that, that was the last ditch effort on our part. except i did keep all papers and work done, my kids if they ever do come home have a good case against the state of washington, but all you have to do is look up at how many cases have been filed against that state to know the cases being won by these kids.... but that said thats why i have this heartbreak, i look old and have dark circles under my eyes all the time, life is not fun anymore. right now i live in a nice 20 year old 35ft motorhome and i just have this ache in my chest all the time, and it wont go away, its a hole...... i have prayed to this so called god till my knees are sore, and he does not hear me, so i just dont believe in him anymore, i have turned to the wiccan ways they seem to be more in tuned with me right now, and i do have one thing to look forward to my horse is going to have a baby any day now, and i have been holding on to that...it seems i can have animals just no human compainionship, i was even accused of beating my husband, an airforce sergent yeah right, hes 6ft and im 5ft2in really i beat hin everyday whether he needs it or not, lol,. so this is why my soul cries, i did get to talk to my son one time at my other sisters house on the phone, and we have a date for his 18th birthday of me meeting him on the washington/idaho border , and i will be there, i will wait all day and night for him, my husband said they proably will be very screwed up, but i dont care they are my babies and i love them and there is nothing in this world that can ever make me think any less of them, i love them with all my soul, that will never change for me never...............im sorry this is so long but the pain is great....bless you all that read this......tawnymara

A window to look through...............

She watches through her window, her little girl at play Memories flood back to her childhood, of her yesterdays As she tucks her gift into bed, and kisses her precious face She says a prayer of protection, "Lord keep my child safe." And as days turn months into years, she sees her little girl grow She begins to realize that a time will come, the time when she must let go. Suddenly she hears a gentle voice-- saying, "No greater love is this, Than what you've done for your little girl, go seal it with a kiss." "Honey I want to kiss your face, but I know I can't by phone While looking through your bedroom window, I began to feel alone." "So many days through this very window, I'd watch you laugh and play And I can almost see you tucked in bed, on those nights we'd talk and pray." Mom," her daughter uttered, "There's something I want to say... You may not know how many times, I saw you watch me play." "That window that you're looking through, is the same one God looked in He saw you by my bed each night, when you'd tenderly tuck me in." "So mom please don't feel all alone, you know I'll always be there... Just like God is with you now, no matter the time, or place or where." Her mother paused and then replied, "Sweetheart I know you're right... You're grown, married and have a child, that you now tuck in at night." "Mom, I better go now, I have some things I better do." Her mom replied, "I know it dear, you've got a window to look through." --- Brian G. Jett

Butt prints in the sand...............

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  One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of the Goddess they were, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, and I asked Her, "What have we here? These prints are large and round and neat, But much too big to be from feet." "My child," She said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You would not learn, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know, So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt." "Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Are you the one, Walking alone..........

Are you the one................Walking alone.......... The page stares at me as I ponder how to say are you the one to a life of heartache and sorrow....But can we ever really say are you the one,will it stick in your thoughts that it is a life you left behind.....Or are there just to many things left unsaid or unfinished for you to move on....... Are you the one strong person, so strong that if the wind comes up, Will you bend or Will you break......Are you the one so stuck on your vaules you forget to hear the pain that so despartly needs to be heard....... Are you the one child in school that was always picked on because you were the diffrent one, and do you still carry that pain with you today, for when you see another child in the same place it takes you back...... Are you the one that everybody decides that you must not live in peace, so your life will never have that peace...... Are you the one that bullies seek out and pressure you to break.......... Are you the one that the state hates for the way you live and the way you believe............. Are you the one in the family that never has the apraisal of your mother and father................... Are you the one your childern do not have anything to do with because your not what was described to them as there hero......... Are you the one that lays down at night alone, and wondering why.............. Are you the one who's thoughts and idea's are always challenged................. Are you the one that identifiys with the native from so long ago................. Are you the one who lost there childern to a life of fastness, instead of wholesomness........ Are you the one who was rape by a family member and carries the scars......... Are you the one who struggles everyday to put food on the table............ Are you the one who hopes and prays for a better outcome to your distress............. Are you the one who feels others pain................. Are you the one looking for God and never seem to hear him............... Are you the one looking for love................ Are you the one fighting to belong in a spriritual place of understanding and forgivness............ Are you the one who opens the door to a stranger and offers a hot cup of coffee and maybe a pair of socks to warm his feet................. Are you the one who really lisen's to his childs fears of the monster in the closet............. Are you the one who smiles at a butterfly taking flight for the first time............. Are you the one who stop's and give's your tip made at work to the person on the street with the sign saying, WILL WORK FOR FOOD......... Are you the one to give shelter to runaway's on a cold winter's night............. Are you the one who volenteer's at the animal shelter, knowing you can't help them all............ Are you the one who stop's and talk's to the person behind the streeing wheel that is crying........... Are you the one who stop's in the hospital hall and hold's the old man's hand that is crying over the loss of his wife............ Are you the one who take's delight in the first leaves popping out on the tree......... Are you the one........Walking alone............ Written by tawnymara.................